G.I. JOE RECIEVES BAD REVIEWS!

Maybe if they would have used the actual poseable action figures, the producers of "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" would have gotten some lively performances. As it is, star Channing Tatum speaks his lines as if someone is pulling the voice cord attached to his neck.
The dialogue, of course, isn't the point of "G.I.Joe," which wasn't screened for critics before opening, and for good reason. Director Stephen Sommers' actioner joins such embarrassing company as "The Avengers," "Lost in Space," "Wild Wild West" and "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" in the annals of inane summer would-be blockbusters that make your brain bleed.

Sure, big dumb fun can be big dumb fun, but Sommers goes beyond the "more is more" modus operandi and launches into "too much is never enough" territory. The action scenes are all over the place, the team (constantly called "the Joes," which, even to a Joe, sounds ridiculous) is blurred into one big mass, including the guy swathed in a gray hoodie who never talks, and the villain's big plot is one we've seen a million times. Well, a million and one now. The best fun that can be had here is laughing at the movie, which, if you're in the mood, could warrant a half a star.

Tatum is Duke, a blank-faced ex-military hotshot recruited, with his pal Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) into an exclusive international fighting unit that gets to play with high-tech toys and armor while fighting the world's evil.

Today's evil is brought to you by a Scottish weapons industrialist who wants to force the world to bend to his will and then his operatives will take over. He comes from a long line of rascals, apparently, because the very first scene takes place in France in the year 1641 and involves a man in an iron mask. Because that's exactly what belongs in a "G.I. Joe" movie.

As Duke meets the full team — including General Hawk (Dennis Quaid), Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Breaker (Saïd Taghmaoui), and Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) — he discovers his onetime love Ana (a ludicrous, dark-tressed Sienna Miller) is helping the nasty industrialist in his evil deeds. There's also a scientist wearing a Darth Vader breathing apparatus, some nonsense about nano-robots and a dimly-lit undersea compound that looks like a plumber's dream.

Forget the wooden performances — including Joseph Gordon-Levitt of "(500) Days of Summer" — the constant flashbacks, the ADD-style visuals (even two boys fighting over food is edited with a Ginsu knife). What defines the movie is that the nano-robots eat steel, and during a chase to catch the villains and their weapons in Paris, someone realizes a major landmark could be the target. It comes as a surprise to the Joes when they realize where they're headed. Let's see... Paris? Steel? Major landmark? What could that be?

There's a way to do this kind of thing (Just witness Hasbro's other toy-turned-dumb movie franchise, "Transformers"). "G.I. Joe," though, hasn't got a kung fu-grip on what it is.