THEY CRAZY IF THEY THINK THEY'RE GOING TO STOP FOUR LOKO! THEY ALREADY GOT DIE HARD FANS IN THE HOOD!

Earlier this week, New York became the latest state to ban distribution of Four Loko, a caffeinated, flavored, malt liquor beverage that contains 12% alcohol by volume. Tuesday, Sen. Chuck Schumer said federal regulators are ready to ban alcoholic energy drinks - hailing the imminent decision as "the nail in the coffin of these dangerous toxic drinks." And yesterday, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration sent warning letters to four makers of the drinks, telling the companies that their products are being marketed in violation of federal law.
In response, the makers of Four Loko are running scared. They are removing the caffeine, guarana and taurine from the product.

So isn't this all a victory for decency, public health and safe alcohol consumption habits? No. It's a ridiculous distraction - precisely the kind of absurd sideshow that consumes so much of our political energy these days.

The assault on Four Loko has nothing to do with reliable science, or with curbing binge drinking or drunken driving. Rather, it has everything to do with a legion of parents who want to substitute gimmicky government oversight for parental care.

Banning one drink that happens to have been connected to more than a few tragedies - far, far fewer than beer or vodka - is regulating by fear, not reason.

Think about it for a moment. Does the new ruling mean bars will suddenly be prohibited from selling rum and cokes? No. whiskey sours, which are quite tasty? No.

I will bet you a round of drinks that whether or not Four Loko is pulled from every single refrigerator shelf by Friday night, there will be plenty of caffeine-with-alcohol drinking by college kids - and however many teenagers manage to get their hands on alcohol - this weekend.

Anyone who spends any time around young people - anyone who has been a young person, for that matter - knows that kids (and many adults) have been mixing caffeine and alcohol for centuries. I bet the first guy to discover chocolate immediately dipped it in mead to see if it helped him have one more drink before passing out.

I've seen people between the ages of 18 and 25 put alcohol in: coffee, soft drinks, diet soft drinks, Jell-O laced with pixie sticks (for the sugar - but it's the same principle), and, of course, Red Bull. I've seen fat people pop diet pills in the middle of a bender to stave off the coming dawn. I've seen a person crush up Ritalin pills, place them in champagne, and call it a celebration. I'm just describing, not endorsing, these habits.

And lest you think such behavior is only common among alcoholics or "out of control" frat boys, I'll point out that most of this caffeine and alcohol "research" was done during and after finals period at Harvard University.

None of this matters to the demagogic politicians, who'd rather have a can to crush than a problem to solve. Even setting aside the caffeine content, they say that, because the drink is sold in various fruit flavors, kids are drawn to the taste.

But unlike many of the politicians talking about the product, I've actually tasted the stuff. Trust me, the taste is a deterrent. People drink it for its potency; it's a lot like tequila in that way. Yet, the FDA allows us to drink tequila (a drink so foul that people literally lick salt like a horse to cut its taste) and the politicians don't pitch a fit when a college kid can walk out of a supermarket with a basket full of tasty Margarita mix.

It's not like Four Loko cracked some secret code to intoxication that's never before been understood by modern scientists. Kids are going to find a way to be drunk and awake at the same time. And when they achieve this blissful state, some of them will stupidly drink more.

Of those kids, some of them will need to be hospitalized and some of those kids will not make it to the hospital and they will die. It will all be very sad and very tragic, and then I'll call up my mother and say, "Thank you for teaching me how not to be an idiot when it comes to alcohol."

That is what's needed here. Teaching kids when to say "I've had enough" is the only way to protect them. Yet evidently, many parents would rather run to the government instead of having that conversation with their children.

Binge drinking is a big problem. Just this week, the city health department released new numbers showing that nearly 74,000 people wound up hospitalized in 2009 for alcohol-related reasons, compared with just 22,000 in 2003.

Education, not bizarre and arbitrary regulation, is the way to answer the problem.

You can't legislate decency or healthy habits. Especially not when, drunk on the power of regulation, you single out one drink as though it - and not idiotic young people - is the cause of the problem.

Mystal is an editor at Above the Law, a legal news and commentary blog.