LADY GAGA & BEYONCE VIDEO FOR TELEPHONE IS NINE & A HALF MINUTES LONG!

Lady Gaga and Beyonce are not taking your calls in their new nine-and-a-half minute music video for "Telephone."

They're too busy getting into trouble - lots of it.

The music video, which made its debut Thursday night, is more like a short film, with punchy red and yellow titles at the beginning introducing it as "A Serial Pictures Fix," headlined by Lady Gaga and Beyonce, and also starring Tyrese Gibson.

Our story opens on Feb. 11, 2010, at the "Prison for Bitches" as a fine print subtitle tells us. Lady Gaga, wearing an inflated sleeve, cut-to-the-bellybutton cocktail dress in chunky black and white stripes - she's an inmate, after all - is seen being walked to her cell, As she runs the cellblock gauntlet flanked by burly, butch female guards, Gaga is heckled by women dressed for a softcore S&M club, one of whom licks the prison bars.

After the guards strip her down and we see her literally climbing the walls of her cell wearing pasties, one of the prison warrens debunks a rampant Internet rumor that surfaced last summer, about Gaga being a hermaphrodite. The matron doesn't quite put it that way, but we won't repeat her exact words here.

Then there is a scene on the prison rooftop in which Gaga appears draped in giant chains and wearing sunglasses made from cigarette butts - one of them still smoking - and shares a steamy kiss with a fellow inmate.

After a catfight and a little actual singing, Gaga gets sprung and then the story really gets underway.

Beyonce - who else - sporting black lips, has come to rescue her. After she tells Gaga "You've been a very bad girl," and feeds her a plastic wrapped Twinkie-type food item, the two of them race away in a souped-up fire engine red and yellow pick-up truck with a flame motif seared into the paint.

While they're in the truck, they engage in a bit of dialogue.

After some mention of their next bad deed, Gaga says, "Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger."

To which Beyonce responds, "Trust is like a mirror - you can fix it if it's broke."

Before Gaga sallies back, "But you can still see the crack in that motherf--ker's reflection."

Okay then!

The two proceed to a diner where they kill most of the patrons, starting with the apparent bad guy, played by a handsomely surly Gibson. The ladies make sure, though, to leave enough live bodies for some big group dance numbers - one in the kitchen, as Gaga cooks up the poisonous fare, and another in the diner itself after the patrons have begun to drop, leading one to wonder, are the dancers actually fresh-faced looking zombies?

"Stop calling, stop calling I don't want to talk anymore, I left my head and my heart on the dance floor," they both sing in a chorus that is strongly reminiscent of Madonna in her dancey phases.

Then they embark on their getaway, and while it would be hard to imagine a more conspicuous pair, both are clearly the types who can get away with a lot.

The video ends with another title, "To Be Continued . . . ". So it sounds like Gaga and Beyonce are likely to ride again, so bad it's better than good.