IS IT JUST ME OR IS SAMMI FROM THE JERSEY SHORE SNOOTY?

With the Golden Globes, SAG Awards, and Oscars coming up, awards season is in full swing. We're in for a marathon run of class acts, civilized celebration and dignified ladies and gentlemen of the entertainment industry.

"Jersey Shore" has none of these things, settling instead for hot messes, drunken romps through Sleazeside (as it's affectionately known amongst the natives) and MTV-sanctioned debauchery. Still, after a solid second episode, it's time to give the Guidos their due. In the spirit of awards season, here are a few awards I'd like to bestow upon Episode 2, based on reactions I heard while watching it.

Named after MTV's non-stop promos for "Skins," the "I'm Sick of This Show and I Haven't Even Seen it Yet" Award goes to Sammi, whose pity party act has already driven everyone in the Shore house to the brink of despair and/or physical violence. Even Ronnie's had enough by the end of the episode.

By the way, Sammi vs. J-Woww (Round 2) has to be the most anti-climactic fight of all time. You have a punch-happy, surgically-enhanced Amazon and a prissy pixie who literally couldn't wait to fight each other, let them fight and all that comes out of it is a few slaps and a fistful of hair extensions? Come on, ladies. Where's the fire?

The "OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!" Award, for biggest dis, goes to Mike the Situation. After an attempted three-way with Vinny and some random bitty from the club goes pear-shaped, a sexually frustrated Sitch (which is the funniest kind of Sitch) finds himself with two options for company: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or Deena, who practically offers herself on a silver platter. Sitch considers her proposal for all of two seconds before replying, "Nah, I'm good."

Call the ambulance, 'cause someone got burned.

The "I Hope These People Never Procreate" Award has to go to Ronnie and Sammi, for being the worst couple ever in the history of history. My God. More drama, more crying over nothing, and that's not even taking into account Ronnie's atrocious declaration of affection: "Can't you tell I'm like, madly in love with you?"

I give you Ron-Ron: Gorilla. Juicehead. Poet.

The "This Shouldn't Be a Show" Award goes to Snooki and Deena, who -- in the best scene of the episode, hands down -- lose a kickball onto someone else's roof. They try to retrieve it with a broom. "That's not long enough!” Deena yells. Right on cue, Vinny materializes out of nowhere. Our boy MacGyvers a gizmo out of beer funnels and pool nets to retrieve the ball as a baffled Pauly D announces, "what the hell goes on in this house?" The answer? Stuff that should not, by any means, be the subject of a TV show. And yet it is. And it is awesome.

The "It's Soooo Awkward" Award goes to Sunday dinner, which is derailed in spectacular fashion after Ronnie and Sammi decline to participate in The Situation's traditional Sabbath Day feast. The couple returns to a wall of awkward glances and Pauly D admonishes Sammi for missing Sunday dinner. She announces she could care less, a remark that's grounds for execution in some Italian families.

Vinny calls this apparent dissolution of the family a "profound" moment. Which brings me to the "I Don't Think He Knows What 'Profound' Means" Award. Vin, this one's all yours, audacious a choice though it may be.

By the way, next week's episode gets the "I Can't Believe it Took Three Cops to Take Down Snooki" Award, since we finally get to see Snooks' infamous arrest through MTV's eyes. Can't wait.


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