C'MON SON! THE ONLY REASON CHICKS DIG LARRY KING IS WHAT HE GOT IN HIS POCKET $144 MILLION!

Larry King sex symbol?
Puhleeze. The guy's 76 years old, has orange fly-away hair, often seems a bit loopy and looks dorky in those glasses.

Then again he's worth gazillions, so it's no surprise that he's been married eight times and is one of the few men in the universe to have more divorces than ex-wives.

He accomplished that by marrying - and divorcing - the same woman twice.

You gotta wonder how he does it.

But come on girls, sleep with Larry King?

Not for a million bucks, the amount he supposedly gave Shannon Engemann, the sister of Mrs. King No. 8, Shawn Southwick. Southwick says her sister had an affair with Larry. Shannon denies it.

Not for $14 million, King's reported annual salary.

Nope, not even for $144 million, his net worth, including that 18-room mansion in Beverly Hills.

Someone will, now that he's about to spring from his eighth marriage and become single again, free to traipse around L.A. with Viagra in his pockets looking for the next blond with huge implants.

They're like a tribe, and anthropologists have noted their customs of having sex with very old chieftains, just for the money.

Or perhaps it was love for Southwick, who wed the CNN talk-show host in the romantic setting of his hospital room, just before a cardiac procedure in 1997.

C'mon. The guy already looked like a lizard back when he started his show in 1985. J. Howard Marshall, Anna Nicole Smith's octogenarian husband, was hunkier.

Perhaps these ladies are really, really turned on by red suspenders [snap!]. The New York Times' Jacques Steinberg reported in 2007 that he saw King sitting in his office shirtless, wearing just the suspenders.

Shudder!

Steinberg should have gotten a Pulitzer, or at least hazard pay. If Shannon Engemann did have sex with King after taking a million dollars and a car, she's already got hers.

Not everything's looking up for old Larry, though. His ratings are down to about 776,000, and small wonder, with Anderson Cooper running around in a tight black T-shirt rescuing children in Haiti.

King's performances, legendary for their lack of preparation, have become increasingly addled.

In January, he asked Sharon Tate's sister Debra, after she spoke to her former brother-in-law Roman Polanski, "How can you have a civil conversation with someone who so brutally murdered your sister?"

Really? You mean Charles Manson has been doing all that time for nothing?

And the other other night, he asked Chelsea Handler if she was "good in bed." Maybe he was already casting around for wife No. 9.

You wonder why King doesn't bow out gracefully, as Barbara Walters is doing. He's interviewed almost everybody already, and is credited with opening radio to listener call-ins.

Then you realize King has a whole bunch of alimonies to pay, with a big one coming, since he apparently didn't make Southwick sign a pre-nup!

See what I mean about that addled thing?

Who knows, maybe at this point in his life King is simply unable to tell Shawn apart from Shannon!

You can see why he might be attracted to the younger model, who favors practical ranch gear like suede bustiers, cowboy boots, and no pants.

And if Shannon is attracted to King, it might also involve leather: his wallet.

Hmmm. Maybe that's how he does it.